Lesson 3: Marriage Prep . . . More than 'Yes! To the Dress!'
Throwback photo of my husband and I (Harmony) when we were engaged… 17 years ago!
Introduction:
Congratulations! You’ve now found “The One!” That person who you have decided to spend the rest of your life - and eternity - with! This is an exciting time for both of you. Once the decision has been made, the date set, and the location reserved, so much time and energy goes into the planning of the wedding itself. Logistics of planning a wedding are stressful and tend to dominate the couple until the wedding day. It is easy to become wrapped up in the planning details and put the actual relationship on “the back burner.”
However, since it is common for many Latter-Day Saint couples to have a short courtship, as well as a short engagement, it is important to prepare for beginning your married life with your soon-to-be spouse. (Even if your dating and engagement have not been short - KEEP READING - you might be surprised at what you can learn!)
Questions to Consider:
Take THIS quiz to see just how well you know your fiancé! (Email address is required to receive results.)
How did you do?! If you didn’t receive the results you were looking for, don’t worry.
What is Premarital Counseling?
You might be asking yourself, “Why is all this important? I’ve received my own personal spiritual confirmation that this is whom I should marry. Nothing is more important than that.” To this I would answer that receiving your own personal revelation about your decision is indeed an important aspect of preparing for marriage. It is also important to remember that “our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation” (Holland, 2013). These “gifts” include resources that help us to better prepare ourselves for the transition into married life. Don’t know where to access these resources? Don’t worry, this lesson is a great start.
One great resource is premarital counseling. This is not something that is typically discussed or encouraged within the Latter-Day Saint culture. I (Harmony) remember the first time I ever heard about premarital counseling was after I had been married for about 10 years. I had become friends with some mothers of a different christian denomination. We were talking about being married and the effort it takes to maintain a healthy marital relationship, especially after having children. A few of my new friends brought up how before getting married they went to premarital counseling. They explained how they knew they loved their fiancé, but they felt it was important to make sure they were a good fit for future children that would enter into the relationship. I was stunned. It was a much more mature view of marriage than I had when I was engaged. They explained that they were given tools to help them communicate better and it started their marriage relationship on a strong foundation. This intrigued me and I learned that “evidence of the benefits of marriage preparation programs include enhanced conflict management skills, higher dedication to one’s mate, greater positivity in marriage, and…potentially reduced chances for divorce” (Duncan, et. al., 2007). Additionally, premarital counseling can help with setting appropriate expectations within a marriage relationship and can help modify unrealistic expectations (Rajabi, et. al., 2020). Even though it might not be something commonly known within the Latter-Day Saint culture, there are clear benefits to participating in at least some type of pre-marriage program.
After the wedding, once the realities of life settle, it can be difficult to accept that the “happily ever after” of marriage can be hard. Added stressors can be felt within the Latter-Day Saint culture where the age of marriage is younger than the national average. Younger marriage is shown to contribute to a greater likelihood of marital distress (Blaylock, et. al., 2022). Some of these added stressors include: having children before being financially well established, finishing undergraduate or graduate college degrees, and balancing school, work, and life responsibilities. What can help couples prepare for these realities of married life?
5 Love Languages:
If premarital counseling is not an option for you - for whatever reason - there are still ways you and your fiancé can work to build a strong foundation that your relationship will inevitably need during the difficulties of life. One great way to start is learning about Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages.
Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
“Verbal Compliments, Encouraging Words, Kind Words, Humble Words” (Chapman, 2015, 39).
Quality Time
“Giving someone your undivided attention” (Chapman, 2015, 59).
Receiving Gifts
“Something you can hold in your hand letting you know your spouse was thinking of you” (Chapman, 2015, 82).
Acts of Service
“Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do” (Chapman, 2015, p. 97).
Physical Touch
“Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse” (Chapman, 2015, p.115).
Homework:
Now time to find out YOUR love language!
5 Love Languages Quiz: What’s YOUR Love Language?
After you have found your love language, have your fiancé take the quiz so you are both aware of what their love language is.
Practice “speaking” to your fiancé in their love language.
Official LDS Family Resources:
https://providentliving.churchofjesuschrist.org/lds-family-services?lang=eng
Unofficial List of LDS Therapists found here.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - Book
The 5 Love Languages Website
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