Lesson 1: Selecting Your Forever

Introduction:

    So you’ve been dating this person for a while, and you think this might be the person you want to marry. But how can you be sure? How can you KNOW this is the right person to spend the rest of your life with? After all, this is likely the biggest decision you will ever make. Today we’re going to share with you some ways that you can be more confident in this all important decision.

Questions to consider:

• What are your “red flags” in a relationship?
• What do you imagine in your perfect partner? (green flags)
• How can you know if someone is compatible with you?
• What makes a long-lasting, healthy relationship?

Red Flags     Most of us have experienced some sort of a red flag in dating. Whether it’s the person who can’t stop talking about money, the person who goes for too much physical contact too soon, or the person who has a controversial opinion that you just can’t agree with. But how do you recognize these signs? Are there some that are objective realities, or is it all a matter of opinion?     College students were evaluated on their main dealbreakers, and 6 main ones came out as most prevalent: gross, addicted, clingy, promiscuous, apathetic, and unmotivated (Csajbók et al., 2023). The graphic below shows prompts that explain what each of these terms mean. This study found that the biggest dealbreakers in the long term were apathy and gross, and for the short term it was gross and clingy (Csajbók et al., 2023).

    One of the big reasons to avoid red flags is to prevent yourself from getting into an abusive relationship. We want our future spouse to be passionate with us, but not to the point that they become obsessive or abusive. In the Dualistic Model of Passion, two main types of passion are identified (Ratelle et al., 2013). In Harmonious Passion, the relationship is balanced with other aspects of life and hobbies; the person doesn’t rely on the relationship for their sense of self worth (Ratelle et al., 2013). This is a good sign in a relationship, and has no correlation with an obsessive/abusive partner (Bélanger, 2021). The other type of passion, Obsessive Passion, doesn’t fare so well. Obsessive passion is identifiable when someone is so invested in the relationship that it takes over their life and their identity changes (Bélanger, 2021). This type of passion has been correlated with an abusive relationship (Bélanger, 2021).

The Relationship Attachment Model - Don’t Be a Disney Princess/Prince

     Now that you know what are bad signs in a potential partner, what are the good signs? How do you figure out if it’s the right person? We’re all familiar with the stereotype of the Disney movies where the girl meets the handsome prince and then the next day they’re off to get married. In reality, this is a horrible model for love. Instead, it’s important to take the time to get to know your potential partner before you ride your carriage into happily ever after. Ph.D. John Van Epp created a Relationship Attachment Model that demonstrates a healthy way to get to know someone in preparation for a healthy and long lasting relationship (2008). It looks like this:

Conclusion/Homework

    Whether you’re dating around, in a relationship, or engaged, it’s important to know what your priorities are in a romantic partner. Write down what your personal red flags are. Think back to past relationships and evaluate if they followed the RAM principles. If you want to learn more about these principles, a few more resources you can look at. 

Additional Resources

• The Art of Dating Podcast - an Institute teacher and his former student discuss dating with an eternal perspective in the modern age. This is found on a majority of podcast platforms including Spotify and Apple Podcasts
• Book: How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by Dr. John Van Epp This is the book that explains the Relationship Attachment Model