Lesson 4: Talk Amongst Yourselves

 Introduction:

Now that you have begun to build upon your marriage relationship foundation by understanding your own - and your fiancé's -  love language, let’s continue to add to that foundation. One thing that couples can do to prevent potential future discord is to discuss some important - and sometimes difficult - topics before the marriage ceremony takes place. President David O. McKay put it this way, “during [dating] we should keep our eyes wide open, but after marriage keep them half shut (McKay, 1955). In following President McKay’s advice, let's “open our eyes” and make sure we are honest with ourselves and our fiancé, 

Questions to Consider:

• What type of marriage relationship do I want? 

• What type of marriage relationship does my fiancé want?

• What is important for me in a marriage relationship?

• What is important for my fiancé in a marriage relationship?

It might seem silly to watch a video about couples who have been married for a long time when you technically aren’t married yet. But 10, 15, 40 years down the road do you want to be able to reflect upon your married life with fondness and love? I think it’s safe to say we all want that! So it’s important to “take the long view” (Nielson, 2023). Make the necessary decisions and habits now that will allow your relationship to continue to grow through all the unexpected trials that life inevitably throws at each of us. 

It has been shown that “newlyweds who were more uncertain about their relationships experienced a lack of coordinated communication interactions as well as discomfort being completely open with partners” (Blaylock et al., 2022). One of the best ways to begin building a strong foundation for your relationship, and help with the transition into married life, is to have open and honest communication with one another. Some important questions/topics to discuss are found in the following questions:

• Have I asked my fiancé if there is anything in their past they have struggled with that I should be aware of? (i.e. abuse of any sort, addictions, past sexual partners, etc.)

• Have I confided in my fiancé about my own personal weaknesses? 

• Will one of us be the main financial provider for our family? If so, who?

• Do we both want children? If so, how many?

• Will one of us be the main child care taker? If so, who?

• What are the career goals of each of us?

• What are your fiancé's lifestyle expectations? (Does it align with career goals?)

• What are your fiancé's sexual expectations?

• What do I expect our commitment to church will look like?

• Do I expect to attend church every week? Month? Quarter?

• When do I consider it “appropriate” to miss church?

• Is consistent temple attendance important to me? My fiancé?

• How do we plan on paying tithing? (Gross or Net income?)

If you have already discussed these topics, you’re off to a great start in building an emotionally safe relationship where open communication is part of the foundation. Perhaps you’ve discussed these topics, or just did for the first time, and found that you and your fiancé are indeed two different individuals with two different perspectives. It is important to respect your fiancé's opinion and views when they differ from your own. Especially considering religious views. We tend to have our own opinions about what is “righteous” by our experiences in our family of origin. Many times these views are just that - opinions. It is important to make sure you do not confuse gospel opinions with gospel doctrine. Many times there are multiple ways to follow a gospel doctrine. (For example, the church considers paying Tithing on gross income OR net income as being a “Full-Tithe Payer.”) If - and when - there are differences in religious approaches it is important to be non-judgmental and look at it as a great opportunity for you both to study, ponder, and pray together to come to an arrangement that both of you can feel good about. It is working through these views but maintaining a strong religious foundation that has shown “that belonging to and practicing a religion can lead to improved outcomes that benefit couples and families” (Busby et al., 2020). Remember this point when church attendance can seem to become more of a burden throughout various stages of your life.

Listen to “Bids”

Now that you understand what a “Bid” from your partner is, it’s important to realize that even though it might seem insignificant, remember it is by “small and simple things [that] great things [are] brought to pass” (Alma 37:6). This applies to marriage relationships as well, and when simple actions are done - or not done - it is easy for the foundation of a relationship to crack and crumble with the stresses of life, or to be fortified and endure the test of time. Responding to your spouse’s bids will help create positive interactions, a positive environment, and help combat negativity in your relationship. There will obviously be some negativity because we are all human and imperfect, but “when there are higher levels of negativity there is less empathy and caring, less smiling and laughter (Hicks et al., 2004). I don’t think anybody would want those qualities in their relationship. So get working on recognizing your fiancé's bids!

Conclusion/Homework:

You’ve done it! You’ve made it through all of our lessons. I hope you have learned some valuable skills and perspectives that will help you to create the marriage relationship that you hope to have now, and throughout eternity. But your learning isn’t done yet. You are about to enter into the best learning lab possible… MARRIAGE! Remember to be patient with and have grace for yourself and your spouse. After being married for 17 years (Harmony) I can honestly say that my love for my husband has deepened exponentially since our wedding day. Has it been perfect? Of course not. Does it take effort? Absolutely. But my favorite aspect is that we both put forth 100%  to each other. He is there for me and I am there for him. Plus he makes me laugh, and ladies if your husband makes you laugh . . . life is enjoyable. 

Additional Resources:

Gottman Institute Website

7 Principles for Making Marriage Work (Book)

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife Website - LDS Sexuality Educator (NOT an official representative of the church.)

Jeffrey R. Holland, BYU Speech on Intimacy